Poor old Akon, he’s always got summat on his mind. If it’s not accidentally dry-humping a child, physically throwing a teenager off a stage, or lying about his bad-assedness and his age, it’s something else.

“Something else” is currently illustrated in the lyrics to his latest smash hit, “Sexy Bitch” – a collabaration with Fronch deeshay David Guetta:

She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore
I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful…

Now, placing the girl in question above the local prostitute goes someway to showing how disrespectful Akon isn’t, but he’s clearly in a considerable tizzy over this matter. Just how can he describe this girl without being disrespectful? Let’s see if he manages it by skipping to the chorus:

Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, damn, girl
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, damn, girl

Hmm. It’s a valiant effort, but some might think that referring to a lady as a bitch – albeit a sexy one – is, like, the least respectful way to describe her. I’m just putting that out there.

What’s interesting, though, is that if you take these lyrics from the mouth of Akon and place them in the mouth of an animated Australian tennis player, they somehow take on a certain charm. Watch:

So, if the lyrics sound OK coming from Graham up there, does that mean Akon succeeded in his attempt to not be disrespecful?

It’s a real conundrum, and one far too complicated for my male thoughtsicles to process. So I decided to ask some of The Womens. I emailed some real-life females and asked them for their opinion on Akon’s attempt to not be disrespectful, alongside a mark out of ten for “Not Being Disrespectful-ness”.

This is what they thunk.

Jane Bradley

I like the homoerotic camaraderie between the boys in the video. They seem like those homo-repressed types who make a big thing about spitroasting “sexy bitches” together when all they want to do is stroke each other’s hair. And then bum each other. However, if Akon wants to describe girls without being disrespectful, he must try harder. 0/10. And maybe a few minus points for having so many gratuitous booty shots in the video.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

Sophie Bruce

I find him pretty offensive anyway (and I’m a big fan of hip hop & R&B and am used to the kind of lyrics they tend to feature). But this song completely takes the biscuit. Saying she’s better than your average neighbourhood whore is pretty low! But probably no worse than that underage girl-grinding he got up to.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

Sarah Espiner

Dear Akon,

As soon as you call someone a ’sexy bitch’, you’re being disrespectful. How about ’sexy girl’? (Actually, given the trouble you’ve been in with the law for dancing with that too-young lady on stage, perhaps we should avoid the word ‘girl’). ‘Sexy (and definitely legal) lady’? Hard to make that scan, I suppose…

Yours,

Sarah

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 2/10

Gail H

A standard sub-CSI Miami pastiche video complete with token pasty Horatio character who I’m presuming to be David Guetta. Akon’s idea of complimenting a woman by sizing her up against the local prostitutes? Marvellous. “F*** Me I’m Famous”, as the neon sign says? Yeah, well frankly I’m baffled too, mate.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: -72/10

Katie Lee

You’ve got to respect the fact that Akon even *considered* the lady’s feelings in all of this – and the fact that he opted to use an ungainly word like “disrespectful” in a song lyric. So he gets points for trying. But I’m not sure how the neighbourhood hos are going to feel about not being considered good enough to be described as sexy bitches too.

Gains points for knowing the word “disrespectful”; loses points for not using standard dictionary definition of aforementioned word.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 4/10

Alex Sheppard

He calls her “sexy bitch” 18 times :-(

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 1/10

Laura Silver

Akon… Guitar? No. Beard? No. Making Lionel Richie look silly? Yes. I therefore do not like him.

Although… *some* girls would consider “sexy bitch” a compliment.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 1/10

Susi Weaser

Out drinking. Sorry.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: undetermined

Robyn Wilder

Akon’s so worried about “being disrespectful” that he fails entirely to actually describe the woman. All we know is that she’s a super-stroppy pramface and that he’s a tongue-tied ass-man. Nul pwangz Mr Akon, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. Get ye to a thesaurus.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

So, if I “punch” those figures into my scientific calculator, we find that Akon manages a total “Not Being Disrespectful-ness” score of…

-64/90

Must try harder, Akon old chap.

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