Stuart Waterman

Tottenham Community Choir, to whom I lend my lungs on a regular basis, are putting on a winter concert on December 11th 2011 at Gladesmore School in Tottenham. All the money raised from ticket sales will go to the Downhills School Playground Fund (Downhills is where we rehearse every week, and they’re facing tough times at the moment).

Buy tickets to the Tottenham Community Choir Winter Concert here

What can you expect if you come along? We’ll be doing several of of your Christmassy favourites (including that one up there), and a load of other numbers we’ve been rehearsing all year, from classic soul tunes to – gulp – a piece from a Russian opera. There will also be guest spots by other North London acts including Artcha and PanNation Steel Band, plus some songs from the kids of the Downhills School Choir and Gladesmore School Choir. Get your tear ducts ready.

For us, DIS IS DUH BIG WAN. Since I joined in March the choir’s aim has always been to put on a proper concert, and all the rehearsals and smaller performances we’ve done in 2011 have been leading up to this. We’re really excited, so t’would be splendid to perform in front of a full house.

If it’s not your bag, or it’s too far away, we’d be most grateful if you could forward the details of the show to anyone who you think may be interested. There will be no gangsta rap (I campaigned for some, but to no avail), so it will be suitable for all ages.

Last week we were on stage with Chipmunk and Tottenham MP David Lammy, but this concert is the most important thing we’ll do this year.

*Lastly, thanks so much to everyone who voted for the choir in the NatWest CommunityForce competition, and to those who tweeted about it. WE FLIPPING WELL WON, which means we’ll be able to buy our own instruments rather than have to hire them out all the time. Untold thanks again, you diamonds.

Tottenham Community Choir Winter Concert

Saturday 11^th December, 4pm

Gladesmore School, Crowland Road, London N15 6EB – here’s a map

Price: £5 – £10

Buy tickets now

Frequently asked questions on Tottenham Community Choir

Follow Tottenham Community Choir on Twitter

Tottenham Community Choir website

In Oxfam the other day I found a stand full to the brim (there was no brim – stands don’t have brims. But imagine there was a brim, and it was full-to) of postcards depicting the covers of Ladybird books. (If you’re too young to know about Ladybird books then you can be assured that I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.)

Ladybird books were a huge part of many childhoods, my own included, and it’s only slightly overstating it to say that if Ladybird books didn’t exist then my illiteracy would be so comprehensive I’d be ill-equipped to write any words about them, but I suppose it wouldn’t matter because they wouldn’t exist (in this scenario – they do in real life), so even if I wanted to write about them I couldn’t, and if I tried to explain that I wanted to write about Ladybird books I’d be laughed right of town because, like, I said, the things wouldn’t even exist (again, in this scenario. I stress they do exist in real life) . I’m making this needlessly complicated.

I bought quite a few of the postcards (only 35p each) because they are a delight, in a nostalgic-for-your-childhood-because-you’re-too-BLOODY-feeble-to-handle-real-grown-up-life kind of way. They harken back to a time when real actual people drew lovely illustrations for kids’ books, as opposed to today when the pictures for such tomes are – and I’ve looked this up – generated via complex colour-cognisant algorithmically-infused robot tablet computer phones.

Anyway, look at this!

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Dear person recruiting for the LOVEFiLM Social Product Manager vacancy,

Hiya!

Do you know what the highlight of my week is? Of course you don’t – you’re not a mind-reader! (If you are a mind-reader – and this is no disrespect to your current employers – you should probably be using your powers for something other than digital marketing).

So let me tell you.

It’s the point on Saturday morning when I turn on my Sony BRAVIA TV’s internet thingy, navigate to the LOVEFiLM wotsit and see what new movies have been added that week. I’m not even kidding – I eagerly look forward to that moment every single week.

It’s fun, you see. Watching films is fun, and so is the anticipation of seeing what the new additions to the ‘Recently Added’ category are. Being able to watch the film there and then at no extra cost is fun. Showing people the LOVEFiLM streaming thingy is fun, because they’re always impressed by it. Browsing through the hundreds (thousands?) of films is fun. Reading the reviews other users write about the films on the website is fun. Being notified that a new Blu-ray is disc is being mailed out to me is fun.

What I’m trying to say here, in case you hadn’t guessed, is that LOVEFiLM is a fun thing, and I imagine your future endeavours in social media will attempt to extend this fun to whatever you do in that area.

Which is why I was disappointed to find that the ad for the LOVEFiLM Social Product Manager vacancy - which I would expect to be at the very least an interesting position, and potentially even fun – contrives to make the job sound about as exciting as being a Data Analysis Intern.

I’m (kind of) sorry to sound so overweeningly obnoxious here. I know you have to weed out the social media douchebags and chancers. And, especially after the recent Amazon deal (congratulations!), I’m sure everything you do has to be measurable as hell. But come on!

• “Understanding the environment – mastery”: What does this even mean? What environment? LOVEFiLM’s environment? Because this reads like there’s a little-suspected eco element to the role. How do people know if they will understand your environment if you give no information about it? You might eat cats every Thursday as a team-building exercise for all I know, which is something I personally would find difficult to understand.

• “Help defining social strategy and roadmap (in conjunction with the Head of Product). Including the future integration of social elements on LOVEFiLM sites and services.”: Where’s the zing? Hmm? You’re talking about engaging with a large, passionate and knowledgeable base of users here. Are you enthusiastic about doing that? Are you? Because if you’re not, why should potential applicants be? (Should be “define”, not “defining”, by the way.)

• “Embracing change – mastery”: “hELLo. i aM LoVeFiLm BoT. I aM MaStErFUL at eMbRACiNG cHanGE.” This could only be more vague if you’d written it in invisible ink.

• “The role is based in West London and we are offering a competitive salary”: Are there any perks, film-related or otherwise? Surely there must be? If so, you might want to mention them here.

Your brand is one I’ve followed for a while, and I am very fond of it. I’ve met people who work for you, and they’ve always seemed bright, creative and very aware of the value of the LOVEFiLM brand.

Perhaps this job ad was issued by a visiting Amazonian in your midst or something. Wherever it came from, it’s bloody horrible and damaging to the brand you’ve spent a number of years refining. I heard someone say that this ad made them not want to apply for the job.

Hopefully there are people internally who feel the same way, but perhaps they don’t feel able to point it out. Whatever the deal is, feel free to show this email to someone who has the heft to ensure your job ads (or at least the ones that are attempting to attract creative/community/social folk) stop reading like they were spewed out by a robot plugged into a KPI matrix.

This blip aside – I hope you continue to grow and provide fun for film nerds everywhere (I’m rooting for you in the forthcoming battle with Netflix).

Stuart Waterman

1. Is everything OK?

2. You seem kind of distant since we slept together after our first date, that’s all. Did I do something wrong? Is it my feet?

3. I tried calling you the other night but it just rang out… Don’t you have voicemail anymore?

4. I texted you like a billion times, ha ha, sorry about that. Is your phone out of battery? What are you doing tonight?

5. I sent you a friend request, did you get it?

6. Why won’t Twitter let me DM you anymore?

7. Did you get locked out of your email account or something? My cousin works in I.T, do you want me to ask him how to fix that? What are you doing tonight?

8. Why doesn’t your work let people hang around in the lobby when they have big boxes of cupcakes to deliver to someone?

9. Who… who’s that guy I saw you leaving the office with the other night? The one with the scarf?

10. Did you know one of your brake lights is out? Do you want me to take a look at that for you? Are you doing anything tonight?

11. Are your electricity bills pretty high? Why do you leave the landing light on, like, all night?

12. Have you ever felt a bit down, taken a week off work and just spent the time Googling someone’s name repeatedly?

13. Did you find some flowers in your mailbox anytime recently? If you did, did you like them?

14. Does gin make you cry the way it makes me cry?

15. DO YOU EVER GET REALLY WASTED AND THEN TAKE A BUNCH OF COCAINE TO TRY AND FEEL BETTER ONLY IT DOESN’T REALLY DO THE TRICK SO YOU TAKE SOME MORE AND THEN SOME MORE AND THEN SOME MORE UNTIL IT’S ALL GONE?

16. What’s the point? I mean, of life, in general?

17. How do the police know where I live?

18. Do you know how hard it is to scratch an itch on your nose when you’re wearing handcuffs behind your back?

19. I got this letter asking me to go to court and it says you’ll be there. What are you going to wear?

One of the marvellous things about having your own little corner of the internet is that it gives you the chance to “speak out” against people you feel have wronged you. Some choose to do this directly – “John Johnson, you are a shit!” – while others like to go down the passive aggressive route – “Some people who shall remain nameless are shits!” – which deludes the writer into believing that they are spitting feathers in a more civilised manner.

Neither tends to make for very interesting or dignified reading, which is why I generally avoid indulging in either. However, my recent experience with T-Mobile left me both dumbed and founded, so I’m going to break my own rule here.

Let me just say that this is pretty much for my own sanity, because it has been a lonely experience and if just one person can empathise with my pain then I shall feel that little bit more connected to the human race. T-Mobile won’t mind if I share this experience with you; “Life’s for Sharing”, remember.

(By the way, I agree with Louis CK when he rants about people’s phone moans. Obviously, mobile phones are not essential to life – but this is more about customer service and, like, the ability of huge, billion-pound companies to deliver what they say will. Um. OK, on with the whining.)

My diary begins, like so many before it, on Sunday 17th July 2011.

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I kind of hoped when I wrapped up My Chemical Toilet that public relations folk might, you know,  notice. A bit. And sort of, er, remove me from their mailing lists. A lot. However, despite my final post explaining fairly clearly that it was over, I still get lots (and lots) of emails from people promoting acts.

It’s almost as if nobody every really read my blog!!!!!! Of course, that’s not at all possible. I’m sure they’ve just been busy lately. These past five months.

Anyway, I thought I’d say goodbye to all my ever-enthusiastic PR pals by writing them a nice little poem and sending it to them in response to their communications.

–

Dear [person with an act to promote],
Thanks for sending me your excitable note.
I’m sure [your act’s name] are going to be massive,
And I’m sorry to come over a tad impassive,
But a cursory look at my site’s front page
Will show I’ve retired, due to old age.
So I’d be awfully grateful if you could curtail
Filling my inbox with zillions of emails,
Because my Gmail’s almost full to the brim,
And every day it looks more and more grim.
The addresses in question are below just in case,
So please remove them from your database.

x

At the end of March this year, I started attending rehearsals at Tottenham Community Choir. I wasn’t sure it was going to be the kind of thing I would stick with, but stick with it I have.

When I tell people I’m part of a choir the differing reactions are quite interesting. They range from bemusement, to jealousy, to disbelief, and tend to be followed by a barrage of questions. There are usually too many questions, all at once, and I hardly ever feel like I answer them sufficiently.

With Tottenham getting a lot of attention for the wrong reasons at the moment, now seems like a good time to talk about something positive in the area.

Therefore I have decided to compile answers to the questions I am most frequently asked about joining Tottenham Community Choir.

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In July the London Bloggers Meetup was sponsored by Dell, who ran a competition to win a shiny new Dell XPS 15z notebook.

Reader, I won it. I won it good.

The brief was:

Tell us in a witty, creative, or imaginative way how a new Dell XPS 15z laptop will help you be successful in your quest for blogging greatness.

As someone who has been trying to attain blogging greatness for quite some time now, I was in no doubt that a rap was the only way to approach this contest. Here is my entry.

I was totally surprised and delighted to emerge victorious, but then I thought about it for a bit and realised that while I was still totally delighted, I was actually only moderately surprised after all. I mean, come on.

So, what of the machine itself?

Well, the Dell XPS 15z is quick! It is quick like the wings of a hummingbird! (Especially if you use Google Chrome.) The screen resolution and video playback are splendid, and at last – oh, at last – I find myself watching streaming video without lagging. I knew it could be like this, I just knew it – looks like all I needed was an Intel i5 processor. Doy!

It is robustly constructed and encased in aluminium, and it’s so thin it makes a Ryvita look fat (kind of). I like to stroke its lid.

I will say that the USB ports are too close together, meaning bulky USB periphs can’t fit at the same time – but I have one of those adaptor extension things anyway, so it’s not the biggest of biggies. The sound could be beefier, but again I use a wireless speaker thing anyway so it’s not the end of the world.

Overall I am very happy with my prize. Only a loon wouldn’t be. Did I mention it didn’t cost me anything except the use of my fevered imagination?

Thanks a milli to London Bloggers Meetup and Dell, obviously.

Popjustice ran a competition to win one of 20 pairs of Beyoncé tickets for her “secret” (quite well-publicised) post-Glastonbury show in London. To win, one had to write a poem about Mrs -Z.

At the risk of being told to “have a sit down with my ego”, I am literally flabbered and ghasted that my effort was not a winner.

–

Why does Beyoncé say that she’s a broken-hearted girl?
She’s crazy in love with Jay-Z, and she run the flipping world.
And why does she demand Jay-Z pays all her telephone bills?
She’s the one calling Gaga long distance from Beverley Hills.

“Say my name, say my name,” she cries, in a voice that don’t half pierce,
Poor Jay-Z can’t remember if it’s Beyoncé or Sasha Fierce.
“Can you keep up?” she taunts, jumpin’ jumpin’ on the floor,
Beseeching he “PUT A RING ON IT”; then beating him at Connect 4.

A right naughty girl she is, but bootylicious nonetheless,
He can’t say “no no no” to her when she’s in that spangly dress.
A beautiful liar, a dreamgirl, she wears a halo full of charm -
But when it sets her hair on fire it’s Jay-Z who has to ring the alarm.

My review of some Marks and Spencers boxer shorts went down rather well on The Twitter, so I might as well preserve it here before M&S nobble my account or something. Click the image below to see the whole review embiggened.