Top 5 lyrical crimes committed on the dancefloor

The dancefloor is traditionally a place of joy, somewhere we can all forget the stresses and strains of everyday life by flailing our limbs rhythmically alongside friends and/or people we are keen to sex on.

However, over the years numerous pop songs have detailed disturbing events to have taken place on the dancefloor. Arson, indecent exposure – even bloody murder – have all occurred, calling into question the security arrangements at the nitespots in question and almost certainly ruining many people’s nights out.

These are the top five lyrical crimes committed on the dancefloor.

5. Oobie feat. Lil Jon – Get On The Dancefloor

DANCEFLOOR CRIME: INDECENT EXPOSURE

“I’ma dirty dance for ya, I’ma shake my ass for ya
I’ma drop my pants when you get up on da dance floor”

Oobie: “Hi, my name’s Oobie. Would you like to dance?”

Gentleman: “Yes, thank you.”

Oobie: “Great. When we reach the dancefloor I will drop my pants.”

Gentleman: “At this point I should point out that I am an undercover policeman.”

Oobie: “I was just joking about the pants thing.”

4. Cascada – Evacuate The Dancefloor

DANCEFLOOR CRIME: ATTEMPTED MURDER

“Oh, oh, evacuate the dancefloor
Oh, oh, I’m infected by the sound
Oh, oh, stop, this beat is killing me
Hey Mister DJ let the music take me underground”

Mister DJ is clearly spinning some kind of voodoo music which has the ability to kill. What’s worse, it seems to be contagious, given the vocalist’s chilling demand for the patrons of the club to flee. That last line is a dying woman’s plea to her attacker to just stick her in a grave and have done with it.

Brutal.

3. Michael Jackson – Blood On The Dancefloor

DANCEFLOOR CRIME: SOMETHING THAT ENTAILS BLOODSHED AND A KNIFE

“Blood is on the dance floor
Blood is on the knife
Susie got your number
You know Susie says it’s right”

Shoddy attempt at misdirection from MJ here: “Huh, there’s blood everywhere… Oh, you know Susie? She says she entered your number into her phone correctly by the way. No problem at all. Blood, what blood?”

2. Sean Kingston – Fire Burning

DANCEFLOOR CRIME: ARSON; WHATEVER SETTING A PERSON ON FIRE IS CALLED

“Somebody call 911!
Shawty fire burning on the dance floor”

Fucking Kingston, he’s like “Oh, someone’s on fire, call the emergency services!”

Why don’t you call them, Sean? What? Oh, your phone ran out of battery? That’s inconvenient, isn’t it, on the very evening you happen to spot Shawty in flames beneath the disco ball? This way please, sir.

1. Sophie Ellis-Bextor – Murder On The Dancefloor

DANCEFLOOR CRIME: WELL, MURDER

“It’s murder on the dancefloor
But you better not kill the groove
It’s murder on the dancefloor
But you better not steal the moves
DJ, gonna burn this goddamn house right down”

The thing with popstars is they’re so utterly consumed by music that even a nightclub slaying in their presence isn’t enough to distract them from “the groove”.

The DJ in question here is clearly having some kind of meltdown, having left bodies strewn on the floor before threatening to torch the place. Maybe it’s an ill-conceived insurance job? Anyway, Sophie sees all this around her yet remains more concerned that the music continues and that nobody nicks her dance routine.

While it may seem self-absorbed, it’s the kind of unwavering attention to detail that gets you number one hits. And ten years as an accessory.

[image: jemsweb on Flickr]