Category: Things I’ve Written For My Chemical Toilet (Page 2 of 126)

Kid Sister says “Right Hand Hi”

kid sister ultraviolet cover 468x468 Kid Sister says Right Hand Hi

Look at that image, and listen to this song, and like me you might just come to the realisation that Kid Sister is surely destined to be a bona fide, proper, soon-to-be-sullied-by-a-guest-rap-from-Akon pop star.

Her songs are ravey enough for clubs but accessible enough for the pop charts, she’s collaborated with Kanye West already and she gets remixed by people so cool you haven’t heard of them. Although she has been “up and coming” for a while now, so let’s hope her moment hasn’t passed. Her album Ultraviolet is out in November.

While I’m being nice I’ll also apportion two and a half props to RCRD LBL, which not only showcases splendid music but is also the kind of site pilfering bloggers like me like a lot – they provide handy, easily-shareable wee widgets like that one up there.

Sounds simple, but it’s a notion that still escapes a lorra record companies…

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Can You Gig It?: Jack Daniel’s Birthday Set @ Village Underground, London, 8.10.09

brett anderson jd birthday Can You Gig It?: Jack Daniels Birthday Set @ Village Underground, London, 8.10.09

Jack Daniel, despite being dead, still gets to have a birthday. Or rather his “product”, Jack Daniel’s Tennesee Whiskey, does. That Jane Bradley went along to see Brett Anderson, Carl Barat and Jon McClure perform at a special bash t’other week, and this is what she thunkabourrit.

The Jack Daniel’s Birthday Set is an exclusive sort of affair. Tickets for it can’t be bought; it’s competitions winners and media only. There’s only capacity for four hundred in the Village Underground vaults, so you’d assume some elitism about the kind of riff-riff they let wangle their way in. Luckily for me, not so.

Every September, the folks at Jack Daniel’s organise shindigs like these to celebrate the birthday of the Tennessee whiskey wizard. The calibre of the “rock royalty” performing varies; previous celebrations have included Patti Smith, Juliette Lewis and Frank Black.

Apparently I was to be treated to an assortment of sterling musicians across a spectrum of genres, but as soon as I heard Carl Barât’s name being bandied about, I started to get suspicious…

The New Silver Cornet Band, from Nashville, have an impressive biography between them and provided the backing for the three headline acts. With a combined age of at least a few hundred, these granddaddies of rock have worked with Elvis, Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones. And to open the show Wayne Carson, who wrote the much-covered “Always On My Mind”, performed it live for the first time ever. The sentimental Pet Shop Boys fangirl in me was swooning all over the show.

It didn’t take long for me to develop a whopper of a crush on Rosie Vanier, the leading lady of Rosie and the Goldbug, who played keyboards. Her voice is gorgeous, and for one so small in stature she has huge stage presence. In her frilly frock, cinch belt and glitter make-up, Rosie had far more charisma than Jon ‘the Rev’ McClure, the first of the headliners onstage.

With his Gallagher swagger and loutish arrogance, Jon McClure comes across like a cocky thug spoiling for a fight outside a takeaway at 2am on a Friday night. As a mouthy Northerner who has happily indulged in the occasional bar-brawl myself, I can’t judge him too harshly for this. He probably thinks it’s part of his charm. But without the talent to back it up, his droning voice and Bez-from-Happy-Mondays-ish bumbling around the stage just grated on my nerves.

Thankfully it wasn’t too long before Brett Anderson time. Many of my schoolgirl fantasies featured Brett’s razorblade cheekbones and shapely derriere, so I was eager to appraise whether the ravages of time and illegal substances had dampened this effect. Joy of joys, he’s definitely still got it.

Belting out the hits and pouting and posing just like he did in Suede’s heyday, it was like the last fifteen years had never happened. Although his flouncing diva-fit when the sound quality wavered made me cringe, he soon swallowed his strop for a storming rendition of “Trash” that made me nostalgic for 90s Britpop and the days of smooching floppy-fringed indie boys at rubbish Belle & Sebastian-themed discos.

I couldn’t tell you about Carl Barât’s performance, because the sight of his face and the sound of his voice make me feel physically sick, so I scurried outside to vomit and stayed there until he was safely offstage.

But many happy returns to Mr. Daniel, and I’m sure my sudden illness was nothing to do with my imbibing copious quantities of his whiskey.

This abruptly vomit-streaked review was brought to you by the marv Jane Bradley. Thank you Jane. Now have a Tums.

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Ali Love sent me an email oops no he didn’t

ali love1 Ali Love sent me an email oops no he didnt

Interesting tactic from Ali Love’s PR folk here – sending out an email as if it’s actually FROM Ali Love. There was me thinking a nascent pop star was getting in touch to say hi, but nah, it’s just another email full of remixes.

Still, it got me to open the message and now I’m giving their “client” “coverage”, so job done really.

The email contained his new video “Diminishing Returns”, which you can see below. It’s all a bit dull (unlike the song, which is rather good) until Ali decides to don some chainmail. An underused accoutrement in music videos, the old chainmail.

Having said that, I am telling you now: if I see someone wearing chainmail in an east London bar, I’m emigrating.

Buy Ali Love MP3s at 7Digital

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Does Akon succeed in his attempt to not be disrespectful in the lyrics of “Sexy Bitch”?

Poor old Akon, he’s always got summat on his mind. If it’s not accidentally dry-humping a child, physically throwing a teenager off a stage, or lying about his bad-assedness and his age, it’s something else.

“Something else” is currently illustrated in the lyrics to his latest smash hit, “Sexy Bitch” – a collabaration with Fronch deeshay David Guetta:

She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore
I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful…

Now, placing the girl in question above the local prostitute goes someway to showing how disrespectful Akon isn’t, but he’s clearly in a considerable tizzy over this matter. Just how can he describe this girl without being disrespectful? Let’s see if he manages it by skipping to the chorus:

Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, damn, girl
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, damn, girl

Hmm. It’s a valiant effort, but some might think that referring to a lady as a bitch – albeit a sexy one – is, like, the least respectful way to describe her. I’m just putting that out there.

What’s interesting, though, is that if you take these lyrics from the mouth of Akon and place them in the mouth of an animated Australian tennis player, they somehow take on a certain charm. Watch:

So, if the lyrics sound OK coming from Graham up there, does that mean Akon succeeded in his attempt to not be disrespecful?

It’s a real conundrum, and one far too complicated for my male thoughtsicles to process. So I decided to ask some of The Womens. I emailed some real-life females and asked them for their opinion on Akon’s attempt to not be disrespectful, alongside a mark out of ten for “Not Being Disrespectful-ness”.

This is what they thunk.

Jane Bradley

I like the homoerotic camaraderie between the boys in the video. They seem like those homo-repressed types who make a big thing about spitroasting “sexy bitches” together when all they want to do is stroke each other’s hair. And then bum each other. However, if Akon wants to describe girls without being disrespectful, he must try harder. 0/10. And maybe a few minus points for having so many gratuitous booty shots in the video.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

Sophie Bruce

I find him pretty offensive anyway (and I’m a big fan of hip hop & R&B and am used to the kind of lyrics they tend to feature). But this song completely takes the biscuit. Saying she’s better than your average neighbourhood whore is pretty low! But probably no worse than that underage girl-grinding he got up to.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

Sarah Espiner

Dear Akon,

As soon as you call someone a ’sexy bitch’, you’re being disrespectful. How about ’sexy girl’? (Actually, given the trouble you’ve been in with the law for dancing with that too-young lady on stage, perhaps we should avoid the word ‘girl’). ‘Sexy (and definitely legal) lady’? Hard to make that scan, I suppose…

Yours,

Sarah

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 2/10

Gail H

A standard sub-CSI Miami pastiche video complete with token pasty Horatio character who I’m presuming to be David Guetta. Akon’s idea of complimenting a woman by sizing her up against the local prostitutes? Marvellous. “F*** Me I’m Famous”, as the neon sign says? Yeah, well frankly I’m baffled too, mate.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: -72/10

Katie Lee

You’ve got to respect the fact that Akon even *considered* the lady’s feelings in all of this – and the fact that he opted to use an ungainly word like “disrespectful” in a song lyric. So he gets points for trying. But I’m not sure how the neighbourhood hos are going to feel about not being considered good enough to be described as sexy bitches too.

Gains points for knowing the word “disrespectful”; loses points for not using standard dictionary definition of aforementioned word.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 4/10

Alex Sheppard

He calls her “sexy bitch” 18 times 🙁

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 1/10

Laura Silver

Akon… Guitar? No. Beard? No. Making Lionel Richie look silly? Yes. I therefore do not like him.

Although… *some* girls would consider “sexy bitch” a compliment.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 1/10

Susi Weaser

Out drinking. Sorry.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: undetermined

Robyn Wilder

Akon’s so worried about “being disrespectful” that he fails entirely to actually describe the woman. All we know is that she’s a super-stroppy pramface and that he’s a tongue-tied ass-man. Nul pwangz Mr Akon, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. Get ye to a thesaurus.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

So, if I “punch” those figures into my scientific calculator, we find that Akon manages a total “Not Being Disrespectful-ness” score of…

-64/90

Must try harder, Akon old chap.

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Rave Digging: Skin Up – “A Juicy Red Apple”

God knows what this number was about. “A juicy red apple is nice, but not every apple is red,” preached a pointdexter-y chap repeatedly over a breakbeat.

The piano breakdown still sounds great today though, with the vocal line “my juice is sweeter” at least providing some kind of dirtily tangible lyrical content.

Er, because that’s what you were after from rave music in 1992, wasn’t it?

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