Post-one night stand FAQs

1. Is everything OK?

2. You seem kind of distant since we slept together after our first date, that’s all. Did I do something wrong? Is it my feet?

3. I tried calling you the other night but it just rang out… Don’t you have voicemail anymore?

4. I texted you like a billion times, ha ha, sorry about that. Is your phone out of battery? What are you doing tonight?

5. I sent you a friend request, did you get it?

6. Why won’t Twitter let me DM you anymore?

7. Did you get locked out of your email account or something? My cousin works in I.T, do you want me to ask him how to fix that? What are you doing tonight?

8. Why doesn’t your work let people hang around in the lobby when they have big boxes of cupcakes to deliver to someone?

9. Who… who’s that guy I saw you leaving the office with the other night? The one with the scarf?

10. Did you know one of your brake lights is out? Do you want me to take a look at that for you? Are you doing anything tonight?

11. Are your electricity bills pretty high? Why do you leave the landing light on, like, all night?

12. Have you ever felt a bit down, taken a week off work and just spent the time Googling someone’s name repeatedly?

13. Did you find some flowers in your mailbox anytime recently? If you did, did you like them?

14. Does gin make you cry the way it makes me cry?

15. DO YOU EVER GET REALLY WASTED AND THEN TAKE A BUNCH OF COCAINE TO TRY AND FEEL BETTER ONLY IT DOESN’T REALLY DO THE TRICK SO YOU TAKE SOME MORE AND THEN SOME MORE AND THEN SOME MORE UNTIL IT’S ALL GONE?

16. What’s the point? I mean, of life, in general?

17. How do the police know where I live?

18. Do you know how hard it is to scratch an itch on your nose when you’re wearing handcuffs behind your back?

19. I got this letter asking me to go to court and it says you’ll be there. What are you going to wear?

1 Comment

  1. I think no. 18 is my favourite – I defy ANYONE to resist the charms of a stalker with an interest in fashion.

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