Stuart Waterman

In Oxfam the other day I found a stand full to the brim (there was no brim – stands don’t have brims. But imagine there was a brim, and it was full-to) of postcards depicting the covers of Ladybird books. (If you’re too young to know about Ladybird books then you can be assured that I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.)

Ladybird books were a huge part of many childhoods, my own included, and it’s only slightly overstating it to say that if Ladybird books didn’t exist then my illiteracy would be so comprehensive I’d be ill-equipped to write any words about them, but I suppose it wouldn’t matter because they wouldn’t exist (in this scenario – they do in real life), so even if I wanted to write about them I couldn’t, and if I tried to explain that I wanted to write about Ladybird books I’d be laughed right of town because, like, I said, the things wouldn’t even exist (again, in this scenario. I stress they do exist in real life) . I’m making this needlessly complicated.

I bought quite a few of the postcards (only 35p each) because they are a delight, in a nostalgic-for-your-childhood-because-you’re-too-BLOODY-feeble-to-handle-real-grown-up-life kind of way. They harken back to a time when real actual people drew lovely illustrations for kids’ books, as opposed to today when the pictures for such tomes are – and I’ve looked this up – generated via complex colour-cognisant algorithmically-infused robot tablet computer phones.

Anyway, look at this!

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1. Is everything OK?

2. You seem kind of distant since we slept together after our first date, that’s all. Did I do something wrong? Is it my feet?

3. I tried calling you the other night but it just rang out… Don’t you have voicemail anymore?

4. I texted you like a billion times, ha ha, sorry about that. Is your phone out of battery? What are you doing tonight?

5. I sent you a friend request, did you get it?

6. Why won’t Twitter let me DM you anymore?

7. Did you get locked out of your email account or something? My cousin works in I.T, do you want me to ask him how to fix that? What are you doing tonight?

8. Why doesn’t your work let people hang around in the lobby when they have big boxes of cupcakes to deliver to someone?

9. Who… who’s that guy I saw you leaving the office with the other night? The one with the scarf?

10. Did you know one of your brake lights is out? Do you want me to take a look at that for you? Are you doing anything tonight?

11. Are your electricity bills pretty high? Why do you leave the landing light on, like, all night?

12. Have you ever felt a bit down, taken a week off work and just spent the time Googling someone’s name repeatedly?

13. Did you find some flowers in your mailbox anytime recently? If you did, did you like them?

14. Does gin make you cry the way it makes me cry?

15. DO YOU EVER GET REALLY WASTED AND THEN TAKE A BUNCH OF COCAINE TO TRY AND FEEL BETTER ONLY IT DOESN’T REALLY DO THE TRICK SO YOU TAKE SOME MORE AND THEN SOME MORE AND THEN SOME MORE UNTIL IT’S ALL GONE?

16. What’s the point? I mean, of life, in general?

17. How do the police know where I live?

18. Do you know how hard it is to scratch an itch on your nose when you’re wearing handcuffs behind your back?

19. I got this letter asking me to go to court and it says you’ll be there. What are you going to wear?

Stuart on Google+

I kind of hoped when I wrapped up My Chemical Toilet that public relations folk might, you know,  notice. A bit. And sort of, er, remove me from their mailing lists. A lot. However, despite my final post explaining fairly clearly that it was over, I still get lots (and lots) of emails from people promoting acts.

It’s almost as if nobody every really read my blog!!!!!! Of course, that’s not at all possible. I’m sure they’ve just been busy lately. These past five months.

Anyway, I thought I’d say goodbye to all my ever-enthusiastic PR pals by writing them a nice little poem and sending it to them in response to their communications.

–

Dear [person with an act to promote],
Thanks for sending me your excitable note.
I’m sure [your act’s name] are going to be massive,
And I’m sorry to come over a tad impassive,
But a cursory look at my site’s front page
Will show I’ve retired, due to old age.
So I’d be awfully grateful if you could curtail
Filling my inbox with zillions of emails,
Because my Gmail’s almost full to the brim,
And every day it looks more and more grim.
The addresses in question are below just in case,
So please remove them from your database.

x

Stuart on Google+

Popjustice ran a competition to win one of 20 pairs of Beyoncé tickets for her “secret” (quite well-publicised) post-Glastonbury show in London. To win, one had to write a poem about Mrs -Z.

At the risk of being told to “have a sit down with my ego”, I am literally flabbered and ghasted that my effort was not a winner.

–

Why does Beyoncé say that she’s a broken-hearted girl?
She’s crazy in love with Jay-Z, and she run the flipping world.
And why does she demand Jay-Z pays all her telephone bills?
She’s the one calling Gaga long distance from Beverley Hills.

“Say my name, say my name,” she cries, in a voice that don’t half pierce,
Poor Jay-Z can’t remember if it’s Beyoncé or Sasha Fierce.
“Can you keep up?” she taunts, jumpin’ jumpin’ on the floor,
Beseeching he “PUT A RING ON IT”; then beating him at Connect 4.

A right naughty girl she is, but bootylicious nonetheless,
He can’t say “no no no” to her when she’s in that spangly dress.
A beautiful liar, a dreamgirl, she wears a halo full of charm -
But when it sets her hair on fire it’s Jay-Z who has to ring the alarm.

Stuart on Google+

I’m one the few mans to be allowed to write things on Domestic Sluttery, I am. I wrote about eggy bread.

Stuart on Google+

Bravo.co.uk ran a competition in early 2007 to write an entry for their delightfully silly Adult Swim news blog. First prize was a trip to New York City, so I entered. I didn’t win, but many folk on the forum thought I should have (I think I should have as well).

Anyway, I won a box full of tat from the Bravo offices, and I’m sure you’ll agree that, in a way, a “Bendy Bully” Bullseye figure is better than a trip to the best city in the world.

I can’t link to the article, but I reproduce it over the page for your reading pleasure. Read the rest of this entry »

Stuart on Google+

I wrote music reviews for a few months for a men’s lifestyle site called Crumbs For Men. Sadly I can’t link directly to the articles because of the way the site is designed. But if you click here; then click on “Music”; then click on “Archive”; then scroll down carefully using your arrow key; and then whisper my name three times into a mirror, you’ll be able to read what I wrote. They were the bits marked:

Mika – “Life In Cartoon Motion”

De La Soul

The Shins

Kaiser Chiefs

Arctic Monkeys

Fall Out Boy

LCD Soundsystem

Stuart on Google+

I wrote one whole article for hotelsbycity.net’s London blog. It’s about the London Eye, and has a lovely comment at the end by someone who isn’t even my friend. You can read it here.

Stuart on Google+