Category: Things I’ve Written For My Chemical Toilet (page 2 of 76)

Does Akon succeed in his attempt to not be disrespectful in the lyrics of “Sexy Bitch”?

Poor old Akon, he’s always got summat on his mind. If it’s not accidentally dry-humping a child, physically throwing a teenager off a stage, or lying about his bad-assedness and his age, it’s something else.

“Something else” is currently illustrated in the lyrics to his latest smash hit, “Sexy Bitch” – a collabaration with Fronch deeshay David Guetta:

She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore
I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful…

Now, placing the girl in question above the local prostitute goes someway to showing how disrespectful Akon isn’t, but he’s clearly in a considerable tizzy over this matter. Just how can he describe this girl without being disrespectful? Let’s see if he manages it by skipping to the chorus:

Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, damn, girl
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’s a sexy bitch, damn, girl

Hmm. It’s a valiant effort, but some might think that referring to a lady as a bitch – albeit a sexy one – is, like, the least respectful way to describe her. I’m just putting that out there.

What’s interesting, though, is that if you take these lyrics from the mouth of Akon and place them in the mouth of an animated Australian tennis player, they somehow take on a certain charm. Watch:

So, if the lyrics sound OK coming from Graham up there, does that mean Akon succeeded in his attempt to not be disrespecful?

It’s a real conundrum, and one far too complicated for my male thoughtsicles to process. So I decided to ask some of The Womens. I emailed some real-life females and asked them for their opinion on Akon’s attempt to not be disrespectful, alongside a mark out of ten for “Not Being Disrespectful-ness”.

This is what they thunk.

Jane Bradley

I like the homoerotic camaraderie between the boys in the video. They seem like those homo-repressed types who make a big thing about spitroasting “sexy bitches” together when all they want to do is stroke each other’s hair. And then bum each other. However, if Akon wants to describe girls without being disrespectful, he must try harder. 0/10. And maybe a few minus points for having so many gratuitous booty shots in the video.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

Sophie Bruce

I find him pretty offensive anyway (and I’m a big fan of hip hop & R&B and am used to the kind of lyrics they tend to feature). But this song completely takes the biscuit. Saying she’s better than your average neighbourhood whore is pretty low! But probably no worse than that underage girl-grinding he got up to.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

Sarah Espiner

Dear Akon,

As soon as you call someone a ’sexy bitch’, you’re being disrespectful. How about ’sexy girl’? (Actually, given the trouble you’ve been in with the law for dancing with that too-young lady on stage, perhaps we should avoid the word ‘girl’). ‘Sexy (and definitely legal) lady’? Hard to make that scan, I suppose…



Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 2/10

Gail H

A standard sub-CSI Miami pastiche video complete with token pasty Horatio character who I’m presuming to be David Guetta. Akon’s idea of complimenting a woman by sizing her up against the local prostitutes? Marvellous. “F*** Me I’m Famous”, as the neon sign says? Yeah, well frankly I’m baffled too, mate.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: -72/10

Katie Lee

You’ve got to respect the fact that Akon even *considered* the lady’s feelings in all of this – and the fact that he opted to use an ungainly word like “disrespectful” in a song lyric. So he gets points for trying. But I’m not sure how the neighbourhood hos are going to feel about not being considered good enough to be described as sexy bitches too.

Gains points for knowing the word “disrespectful”; loses points for not using standard dictionary definition of aforementioned word.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 4/10

Alex Sheppard

He calls her “sexy bitch” 18 times 🙁

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 1/10

Laura Silver

Akon… Guitar? No. Beard? No. Making Lionel Richie look silly? Yes. I therefore do not like him.

Although… *some* girls would consider “sexy bitch” a compliment.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 1/10

Susi Weaser

Out drinking. Sorry.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: undetermined

Robyn Wilder

Akon’s so worried about “being disrespectful” that he fails entirely to actually describe the woman. All we know is that she’s a super-stroppy pramface and that he’s a tongue-tied ass-man. Nul pwangz Mr Akon, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. Get ye to a thesaurus.

Not Being Disrespectful-ness: 0/10

So, if I “punch” those figures into my scientific calculator, we find that Akon manages a total “Not Being Disrespectful-ness” score of…


Must try harder, Akon old chap.

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Rave Digging: Skin Up – “A Juicy Red Apple”

God knows what this number was about. “A juicy red apple is nice, but not every apple is red,” preached a pointdexter-y chap repeatedly over a breakbeat.

The piano breakdown still sounds great today though, with the vocal line “my juice is sweeter” at least providing some kind of dirtily tangible lyrical content.

Er, because that’s what you were after from rave music in 1992, wasn’t it?

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Mirrors, Citadels and Exlovers play Levi’s OnesToWatch October residencies

levis ones to watch logo Mirrors, Citadels and Exlovers play Levis OnesToWatch October residenciesIt’s a new month! This one’s called October. And with this Octoberishly-named month comes a bunch of new Levi’s Ones To Watch residencies, where you can go and see numerous acts of an up-and-coming nature in various Londontown hostelries.

The October batch of shows includes future stars/cabbies such as Citadels, Exlovers, Kurran And The Wolfnotes, Young Rebel Set, Turboweekend and presumed GCSE French flunkers, Ou Est Le Swimming Pool.

Also on board are Mirrors, whose “Look At Me” is playing in a YouTube embedded video near you. Like, really near you. Like, here:

Mirrors play Camden Barfly on October 15th alongside Young Rebel Set and Turboweekend. The first show is this Thursday 8th at The Macbeth and has Citadels, Dansette Junior and language remedials Ou Est Le Swimming Pool.

For the rest of the dates check out the Levi’s Ones To Watch official site. Tickets are available from TicketWeb and See Tickets.

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Who is this Bertie Blackman person, then?

You can find anything out on the internet these days. Anything. And when one is investigating an act one is unfamilar with it’s good practice to check out Wikipedia, wait 11 minutes for the artist’s MySpace page to load, and so on.

For once, with Bertie Blackman, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to wait and see if the information comes to me. I’ll pretend this is a fun “experiment” rather than a symptom of my laziness. Do you know anything about Bertie Blackman? Leave information in the comments.

All I know, thanks to YouTube’s geographical info, is that she’s considerably more popular in one country than any other:

bertie blackman you tube Who is this Bertie Blackman person, then?

Her – yes HER, OMG WEIRD, RIGHT? – song “Thump” is an urgent, immediate, quiet-loud, um, thump in the synapses. I loves it, I do.

There are a couple of remixes here, too. Not as good as the original though, which seems a novel happening these days.

Bertie Blackman – Thump (Duosseudo Mix)

Bertie Blackman “Thump” (Wild Turkeys Remix)

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JME’s bass intends to knock your gran over

I can’t be ignored like a hangOVER
Coz everybeat I sound nang OVER
Half of them I don’t mad OVER
This bass will knock your gran OVER

The lesson here is, if you’ve got Granny coming over for Christmas dinner make sure you didn’t also invite JME. Things could get awkward.

Buy JME “Over Me” MP3 at

[via Fullygrown Grime]

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Amerie & Lil Wayne collaboration almost certainly conducted over email

amerie heard em all Amerie & Lil Wayne collaboration almost certainly conducted over email

Amerie’s new one “Heard ‘Em All” is a frantic, tribal-beats-y kind of thing, with lots of great “uh-huh”s and “hey hey”s. I liked it after two listens, which makes it about an 8/10 on the immediacy scale. Clearly “One Thing” was an 11, but let’s give the poor girl a break because very few people ever produce a song that perfect and then have the misfortune to find themselves judged against it forever.

The video has a built-in guarantee of quality in that Amerie appears in it, but some people might deem it a bit of a “Disturbia” rip-off. Which isn’t that surprising since it’s by the same director, who clearly has Se7en, Fight Club and Mad Max on rotate on his DVD player.

Whatever, Universal Music don’t want too many people to see it – or any other visual representation of their artists’ work – because they are wrongheaded killjoy cunts who disable embedding on so many of the fucking videos they upload to YouTube.

So instead, here’s a version of the tune with a phoned-in Lil Wayne verse tacked onto the beginning so that men are allowed to listen to the song without feeling like a sissy.

bT*xJmx*PTEyNTQwNTMzNTM4NzUmcHQ9MTI1NDA1MzM1OTk4NCZwPTI3MDgxJmQ9d2lkZ2V*UGxheWVyTWljcm8mZz*yJm89YWUzYmM5MjIwNjc5NDE*Nzk2NzIxODc5MWQ1ODE5NjUmb2Y9MA== Amerie & Lil Wayne collaboration almost certainly conducted over email

t Amerie & Lil Wayne collaboration almost certainly conducted over emailQuantcast

Buy Amerie “Heard ‘Em All” MP3 at

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Bobby Brown’s Behind The Music: you might be driving his car

Bobby Brown appeared on VH1’s Behind The Music last week. If you’re looking for a detailed breakdown of his and Whitney’s daily drug intake you’ll be disappointed, but it does have its highlights.

I think mine is when Bobby says that at the peak of his fame he would find himself on a tour bus, see someone driving a car he liked the look of, follow said vehicle, then purchase it from the driver on the spot with cash. And then discard the car when he had to leave town for the next leg of the tour.

Bobby Brown apparently left cars everywhere, so if you picked up a mysteriously abandoned Porsche around 1989, and there was a crack pipe in the glove compartment, that’s why it was just left outside that strip club.

Watch the full Behind The Music here – but before you go let’s remember this classic clip from Bobby’s appearance on ITV’s 24 Hours With Bobby Brown a couple of years back. Let this be a reminder, should you need one, not to pinch Bobby Brown’s bottom if you’re a bloke.

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Sentric Music seeks prospective Hollyoaks soundtrack acts to play In The City

in the city 2009 Sentric Music seeks prospective <em>Hollyoaks</em> soundtrack acts to play In The City

For unsigned artists keen to have their music featured on the tellybox – whether it be TV shows or adverts – and thereby gain entrance to this site’s hallowed Where Have I Heard That Song Before? category, Sentric Music have been useful people to hook up with for a while now.

Why, they’ve secured spots on Lexus TV ads, episodes of Hollyoaks and – the Sincerity Rock holy grail – One Tree Hill for all manner of bands you haven’t quite heard of yet.

They also ensure acts get the money they’re due from gigs and radio play by taking care of Performing Rights Society-related bureaucracy for all their artists.

This year Sentric Music are hosting their own showcase at the UK’s leading music “convention”, In The City. They’re looking for one more band to join the four they’ve already scheduled, with the winning act getting to play in front of all manner of industry bigwigs looking for the freshest blood to drink sign up. The other acts on the bill are The Federals, Gallops, Jamie Ley and Dirty Goods.

If you want to enter you’ll need to do the following…

Sign up with Sentric Music. It’s a non-exclusive agreement which leaves you free to pursue other dirty money-making schemes while allowing the magical Sentric people to see what dosh they can purloin for you in the meantime.

– Then just email with your artist name, MySpace link and a blurb saying why you want to play In The City in 140 characters or less. That’s so Sentric Music can show everyone how clever you are by tweeting your entry to their 2000+ followers

Entries need to be in by October 5th, with the winner due to be announced on October 7th.

Good luck – I hope to hear your dubstep opus featured on Grey’s Anatomy Skins real soon.

Buy In The City wristbands here

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Riton, Primary 1 & Wiley ask “Who’s There?”, like big scaredy cats

wiley scared Riton, Primary 1 & Wiley ask Whos There?, like big scaredy cats

Riton & Primary 1’s original dose of acid-para bounciness soundtracked, at a guess, 34,10413412.3 clammy-palmed comedowns in ‘Beefa this summer, and now it’s been given a (limited) new lease of life thanks to a verse from Wiley.

He does give it a nice splurge of urgency, a la “Rolex”, but why is his contribution – and indeed the song as a whole – so short?

Oh well, I’m sure a krillian more remixes will emerge to give us a proper go at those acid house synfs. Until then:


I asked the shady personage who sent me this when it’s due out, but it seems they’re just going to “see how it goes”.


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A definitive history of New Zealand’s pop music

In the pub with some New Zealandish people the other night, one of them kindly scribbled down a complete history of her country’s contribution to pop music.

history of new zealand music 1 A definitive history of New Zealands pop music

history of new zealand music 2 A definitive history of New Zealands pop music

Not sure what New Order are doing in there. And she spelled my name wrong.

Which period’s your favourite?

This comes courtesy of Philipa Drinkwater, who doesn’t have a website but does occasionally perform as Maria von Trapp.

“Thanks Philipa.”

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