Popjustice ran a competition to win one of 20 pairs of Beyoncé tickets for her “secret” (quite well-publicised) post-Glastonbury show in London. To win, one had to write a poem about Mrs -Z.
At the risk of being told to “have a sit down with my ego”, I am literally flabbered and ghasted that my effort was not a winner.
—
Why does Beyoncé say that she’s a broken-hearted girl?
She’s crazy in love with Jay-Z, and she run the flipping world.
And why does she demand Jay-Z pays all her telephone bills?
She’s the one calling Gaga long distance from Beverley Hills.
“Say my name, say my name,” she cries, in a voice that don’t half pierce,
Poor Jay-Z can’t remember if it’s Beyoncé or Sasha Fierce.
“Can you keep up?” she taunts, jumpin’ jumpin’ on the floor,
Beseeching he “PUT A RING ON IT”; then beating him at Connect 4.
A right naughty girl she is, but bootylicious nonetheless,
He can’t say “no no no” to her when she’s in that spangly dress.
A beautiful liar, a dreamgirl, she wears a halo full of charm –
But when it sets her hair on fire it’s Jay-Z who has to ring the alarm.
(PLEASE NOTE HOW I DIDN’T RHYME BEYONCE WITH FIANCE AT ANY POINT – I FEEL THAT’S A GOOD THING)
Beyonce, beyonce, where for art thou Beyonce?
With your face,
And the bits on your face like your eyes and stuff,
And the fact you’re quite good at what you do,
And the fact you’ve got some really good songs in your back catalogue that even though you only co-wrote a bit of doesn’t take away the fact they’re any less awesome,
All these things added together mean I’d really like to see you perform live to see if you live up to the craic,
Because I’m not at Glastonbury,
And if I was it’d be a toss up if I see you anyway because I think you clash with Queens of the Stone Age who are like one of my favourite bands of all time,
But just because I like those doesn’t mean I can’t like you a lot as well,
I dislike people who think you can’t like pop as much as rock,
Those people are idiots,
[Insert line about how Halo is especially really good],
I don’t even live in London but I’d come down to see you,
I hope you realise that’s a really good thing,
Beyonce, Beyonce, hopefully see you on Monday Beyonce.